My Super Kaduper Life

Costuming III: The Reckoning

14. May 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Girl", "This Boy" · Tags: dancing queen, I am five!, I am Seven!, I'm new at this shit, Keaton, Look what I can do!, please don't judge me, Rowan, Shoot self in foot, Unnecessary Admissions, Waaaaahhhhhh

The 2013 costuming season can be summed us thusly: So. Much. Sewing.

Seriously. As I was sewing on what I’m pretty sure was the 67th snap, I found myself wistfully remembering that first year when all I had to do was lovingly affix 7,986,231 sequins to two costumes. This year, between the 2 kids, I was responsible for six costumes, all of which needed a moderate to severe amount of sewing. And yes, severe sewing is totally a thing. At least when it’s done by me. I severely sewed the SHIT out of these costumes.

Let’s jump in, shall we?

Rowan’s jazz dance was to Monster Mash. This costume was originally slated to be a lacy white and black, Bride of Frankenstein-esque number but it wasn’t quite Monster-y enough, which meant that the sewers had to start over, modeling it after a small-group costume created the previous season. I was a little put off by all the orange at first but it looked great up on stage and even won the costume award at our first competition.

The skirt was probably the most labor intensive. The tulle of the skirt was dotted which made the placement of the sequins a no-brainer {and it was soft tulle which makes a HUGE difference in getting the sequins to stick} but there were A LOT of them. The black stripes on the front were glittered, which was messy but pretty easy. The waistband was added later by our room mom so we could add an assortment of orange, clear and irredescent crystal stones.

The orange muppet feathers were originally on a rope-like spool; 2 four inch and one six inch pieces were cut for each skirt and we sewed them on to create the desired feathered-bootie effect. We also added the flower and tacked the skirt down in several places so it would stay in place during the dance.

I’m sorry there was really just no good way to photograph this fluff of a top. When we got it is was just a rectangular piece of lycra. From there we sewed on two long ropes of orange fluff, tacking each down in 6 or so places. Then we added extra pieces of fluff to the back once we account for stretch, so it would completely cover the lycra. Three black straps were added to connect it around the back and two to the neck. The material is a sparkly black which is great for shimmering up on stage but not so great for the dancers as it is suuuupppeeerrr itchy. I ended up sewing a soft felt-like material on the inside where the straps were bothering Rowan which helped some.

The neck straps were stoned with an assortment of crystals and I sewed on a swimsuit clasp and snaps for closures. There are 6 of these flowers on this costume, which were originally fake flowers with a stem and all, purchased from a craft store. They were de-stemmed, taken apart, hot glued and sewn back together, then a clear gem was sharpied {I promise this is a thing in the dance world} orange and glued in the center. We also glittered all the black stripes by placing many small dots of gem-tac glue and then sprinkling spoonfuls of glitter over them. Obviously this wasn’t enough DUH so we added random stones for shine.

For the arm bands we sewed more orange fluff in a circle to splay out the feathers and WHY YES, that is more glitter on the black stripes, which was thankfully done in the studio and not spread all over my house… although I did mysteriously find some under Ezra’s chin a few days later for which the only explanation I can think of is some made it down my shirt and was transferred via nursing session, whatever… sparkle boob, sparkle baby. We also sewed clear hair elastics to the points of the band to loop around their finger so they would stay in place.

The leg mufflers were made of a very messy fur that sheds everywhere so we had to handle these puppies with care. We sequined the black tulle and sewed on the decorated flowers. To keep these things from slipping down while the girls danced we were given very tight, long, lycra socks. We sewed snaps to both the muffs and the socks to secure them. There was still a little slippage but it worked pretty well.

Last were the hair bows. I helped glitter and decorate the flowers but one of our talented room moms created and assembled the bows. They are super cute and will be great for re-wearing at Halloween.

And here is the finished product…

Rowan’s tap costume was MUCH less labor intensive and I really really love it. Still though, with the sewing…

The skirt was made out of a shimmery plaid which required no extra stones or sequins. I’m not quite sure how we made it through without having to sequin the tulle sticking out but thankbabyjesus for big/small favors. We stoned the belt loops and the buckle and tacked down the belt and the skirt to the tulle so it wouldn’t flip up. Voila! Done!

For the blazer we stoned and sewed on the decorative buttons and then sewed snaps on the inside for the closure. We sequined and stoned to create the LD patch. The pockets and collar were tacked down in several places so nothing gets floppy on stage.

For the finishing touches, the plaid was cut and glued onto the taps. We sewed on two rows of ruffle to the white knee-highs. The bra top required no extra work, as it was really barely visible on most girls.

And here it is! I helped put the little stones on the hair bows but they were again mostly done by one of our room moms. I was disappointed when Charlie Brown was chosen as Rowan’s tap song- it’s just never been one of my favorites, but the costume ended up so adorable and the dance turned out to be one of my very favorites- the best one of Rowan’s yet. I love the whole thing.

The studio also does a number that spans all the competition lines, 1st grade through graduating seniors {6 lines total plus the Dancing Dads- all of them except for the baby line, which is why this is Rowan’s first year in it} called Jive Bunny. It’s always a mix of songs with a common theme. Last year it was a Footloose theme, the year before is was Lady Gaga {those costumes were pretty rad}. This year Jive Bunny had a Rock of Ages theme. Rowan’s group dances out to I Wanna Rock during which they wield Paper Jams guitars. It’s reeeeeeally cute. A group of awesome moms took the helm piecing together this costume. I didn’t do anything but pay for it and add a few tacks to hold things in place.

Now for Keaton. Last fall I offered to help out backstage for the boys. I didn’t think it would be a big deal since there were just three boys on his line, they only do two competitions and two recitals and I was nervous how Keaton would handle all this so I thought it would be better to be back there with him. Then one of the boys ended up dropping out so it was just the two of them and I failed to remember that all the comp boys from the studio do a boys only number that is performed at all 5 recital shows. And little did I know, although I should have suspected, that I would somehow become responsible for the boys’ costumes which were eventually pieced together and modified by myself with a generous amount of help from the room mom from his line and a couple other older boys’ moms who have been through The Crazy and gave me help/tips. I was completely unprepared for this responsibility and hated pretty much every second of it from conception to execution to completion but there really wasn’t anyone else who could do it so that was that. If Keaton stays in dance I praypraypray a boy with a competent mother gets recruited so I can pass the costume conception torch to her, for I absolutely SUCK at it. Give me detailed instructions and material and I will gladly do whatever I can to help out but I’m just NOT cut out to put this stuff together; I do NOT have a brain that thinks in sequins and shimmer, just look at my closet where you’ll be assaulted with only varying shades of grey.

I don’t have detailed or great pictures of Keaton’s costumes. I’m always so busy doing things backstage, a rushed cell phone picture is all I’ve managed so far, Hopefully I’ll get some good ones during the recital weekend. This is his jazz costume. It looks easy and unassuming enough and it really is, except that none of the items he’s wearing here came in the right color. The green t-shirt is the only thing that was purchased outright and the only modification was cutting a hole in it to string the light panel battery pack connector through. The sweatshirt had to match the girls’ vests so I bought white hoodies, cut a hole for the light panel in the lower chest, cut the sleeves off and had them hemmed, then a room mom helped dye them to match. Another room mom found the light-up panels {the girls’ tutus light up so they wanted something cool for the boys} which I glued and tacked onto the sweatshirt in 8 spots. I also tacked down the hood so it wouldn’t flop around and tacked the sweatshirt to the greet shirt.

The shorts were pretty time consuming because all the pink and orange you see on them was lovingly colored in with fabric markers and they needed to be gone over several times to be bright enough. They also only had the converse high-tops in bold colors; no neon or baby blue unless you want to pay big bucks for custom designs so those were dyed along with the sweatshirts, which took a couple of tries because they weren’t coming out dark enough. Then I ditched the white laces for the bright blue. The socks needed to be colored with fabric pens as well. There were tons of neon colors out there this spring but unfortunately they were all for girls and all super feminine styles. The process of running to store after store, getting excited about finally landing on something only to have it not work out and then heading back to return it was really daunting with the baby.

Keaton’s tap dance was to Hound Dog. Please don’t ask me about the zebra print because I… don’t get it either. The pants and fake-leather jacket was purchased at H&M. I searched stores and the Internet high and low for a boys zebra print shirt with close to zero luck. The only one I found was spendy and non-returnable which really wasn’t a chance I wanted to take because I never knew what would make it through approvals or not. In the end I modified the straps on a zebra camisole I found at Justice. The boys HATE it but since you only see the bottom and a little bit at the top it’s not too big of a deal. My least favorite part of this costume was the dog collar {which you can’t really see in this picture}. It’s a men’s gothic spike necklace I got at Hot Topic. I had to cut it down and add elastic and a snap and ugh, it’s weird and yuck and I DO NOT LIKE. Admittedly it looks just fine on stage but I asked the girls’ room mom to sneak it off of him for his individual shot on picture day because just, yeah, no thank you.

For the boys dance Keaton wore an adorable tuxedo. Since he was born with absolutely no butt to speak of, I had to take in the waist by about half. I also had the legs hemmed and each age group of boys got their own color cumberbund and tie. Besides adding velcro on the tie closure {they all pull them off at the end of the dance} and reinforcing the buttons, this one was pretty easy and he was just oh so handsome.

And there you have it! Time is always the big issue~ it seems no matter how hard everyone tries to get the ball rolling early, we always end up having to complete 9,000 tasks in about 3-4 weeks and it is really pretty stressful; especially when you’re caring for a small human that doesn’t understand when I say “hold on, Baby, I just need to sew on 8 more snaps”. I have learned to let go and just try to roll with the punches for the most part which was fine for Rowan’s stuff, especially after I learned to glue down the snap before sewing. There may have been some tears shed when those little bastards wouldn’t stop sliding around as I was trying to sew them down and it was 11 pm and I knew the baby would be up soon and I just wanted to sleeeeeep and STOP MOVING, SNAP I HATE YOU, SNAP WHY WERE YOU EVEN BORN, SNAP. Letting things go turned out to be a little trickier for Keaton since I was in charge of it but with lots of help I made it through with most of my dignity in tact. Being stuck in a dressing room with a dozen boys ages 4-12 is a WHOLE other story, one I’m really hoping I live through.

As in previous years, we are not sure if we’ll continue down this road. There are so many benefits of competitive dance but the main drawbacks, time and money, are getting harder to justify the deeper into this we get. We will reassess after the recital at the beginning of June and see where things stand. In the meantime, I’m so proud of all the hard work Rowan and Keaton put in this year. The progress they’ve both made is really remarkable and watching how much fun they are having up on stage has truly been one of my best moments as their mom, even if I do wince every time I see a hard-won stone or sequin pop off in the process .

Halfway to One

30. April 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "A Day In The Life", "Beautiful Boy", "Golden Slumbers" · Tags: Ezra, Honk-Shooooo, Look what I can do!, Monthly blah blahs, please don't judge me

This monthly blah-blah is brought to you by Sleep Deprivation and WAAAAHHHH Pick Me Up/No Put Me Down so it will most likely lack any sort of cohesiveness and be short and sweet. Or not. {It is ME, after all.}

The first two and a half weeks of this month were spectacular for our mini-budders. Five months is one of my very favorite ages as it’s the perfect combination of smooshy adorableness and active {but not too active} baby exploits. And since my baby is already the cutest baby, like, EVER {truth} it was an especially fun time. I actually had to force myself to put him down or let him play independently so I could do things like sleep, feed my other children, etc. Then he started to get a little cranky two weeks ago aaaaaaaand BAM. Icky cold. Sleep and contentedness went out the window and were replaced by waking up 5-7 times a night and general whininess at being alive. I took him in for his 6 month check-up on Friday, thinking the doctor would check his ears, see an infection and we’d get something to help ease his discomfort but his ears were clear~ it’s just a gunky cold, so instead he was the proud recipient of three vaccinations which has NOT helped his mood any letmejusttellyou. His cold/cough seem much better this week, but after an absolutely AWFUL night last night I think some form of sleep training is in our near future.

So to hit all the major baby data points…

Sleep: SUUUUUUUCCCKKKS. {I think I covered this one already but just in case you weren’t super clear…} Naps are still going okay with 1.5-2 hours in the morning and 1-1.5 hours in the afternoon but it’s getting increasingly hard to get him down. Before I was swaddling him and gently rocking him for 5 or so minutes and sometimes he would be asleep and sometimes he wouldn’t but he’d snuggle in and nap either way. Now it’s taking 10-15 minutes of vigorous rocking and if he’s not all the way asleep when I lay him down he pops his eyes open and that’s it, there is almost no chance of him falling asleep on his own. He is too tall and strong for our swaddling blankets so we have had to phase them out in the last couple of weeks which also hasn’t helped sleeping matters because OMFG LOOK I HAVE HANDS!!!!! We are hoping some form of sleep training will help but until the last dance competition is over this weekend I just don’t have it in me to jump into that.

Eating: With both Rowan and Keaton the doctor encouraged us to start solids at 4 months. This time I listened to the hippies and didn’t start until 5.5 months and let me tell you, these hippies are onto something. Do you know how much easier it is to feed a nearly six month old than a 4 month old? A huge difference. WORLDS. The frustration of wasting food and the breast milk you mix it with as your child lets it just fall out of their mouth instead of swallowing was completely skipped this time. Ezra could sit up in his new highchair and within a feeding or two figured out how to take spoonfuls and swallow with much less of a mess. So far avocados are the only thing he’s completely rejected {Bill would be 90% sure Ezra could not possibly be his son due to this if not for the fact that everyone we meet says WHOA HOLYSHIT do YOU look like dad}. His favorites are bananas and apples. I gave him carrots for the first time yesterday which he liked but then woke up with a rash on his cheeks this morning so I don’t know if that’s related or not… we’ll see as Smooshy Stuff Taste Test Month continues.

Moving: This boy is a rolling machine. Historically my babies have been on the late side of normal for gross motor so I thought I had another 2 months before I had to worry about baby proofing but Ezra has proved much more active. We’ve already taken down his floor gym as he just rolls off of it or gets tangled. If I lay him on a blanket then get distracted by another of my lovely offspring for a minute, when I look back he’s under the coffee table or made his way to the patio door for a better view. He’s able to sit up assisted and has started to hold himself up on his hands for a few seconds before face-planting. He loves standing in his exersaucer and watching his big brother and sister.

Growth:

Weight: 17lb 3oz, 44%

height: 27 inches, 65%

head: 17inches, 46%

Ezra had another big growth-spurt in height considering at 2 months he was only in the 10% and is now in the 65th percentile. This has been the fattest month for all my babies, having spent the last 6 months building up their fat stores while being completely immobile. Ezra is the chubbiest of the three, though only a few ounces bigger than Keaton was at 6 months {and to be fair he’s also a full inch taller}. Rowan never broke the 10th percent for anything but was still at her own personal chubbiest at this age. It’ll be fun to see if Ezra planes out like his brother and sister did, both of whom were only around 20 pounds at one year and stayed that way for what seemed like EVER. In the meantime, this has resulted in much nomming of Big Fat Baby tummy and thighs and cheeks and oh just about any part of him I can get a hold of. It’s the best.

Loves: His favorite toys are his LaMaze Dragonfly, Pirate Piggens, Taggie Elephant and any loud rattle you shake at him. He likes the bjorn but only if Bill is wearing him. He’ll tolerate the Ergo but only for short periods, which I hope will change because it’s my carrier of choice~ I am really hoping he’ll warm up to it so we can hit the trails this summer.

Honestly? I know he loves me {or my hooters, whatever} but this boy is all about daddy and his big brother and sister and ferchristssake even Fawkes and Luna. His big eyes follow his dad and siblings as they go about their evening business and he loves Saturday mornings when he gets to spend extra time with dad {Mama’s sleeping in. Don’t judge.}. During feedings the dog and the cat settle in, with Fawkes on the bed near the rocking chair and Luna at my feet. Every so often Ezra will break away from me, flail about in my arms until he has a good view of an animal and give them a sweet, toothless grin, which is sometimes rewarded with a wet puppy kiss.

Ezra, you watch everything, you take it all in. I can see you inching further and further away, even while you are seated right there on my lap, pulling yourself toward the activity and watching, delighted, with a curious gaze. You are so ready to jump in and be a part of all of us, all of this, all of the action, and all I can do is gently gather you in to me, placing my cheek on your blonde fluff and say, soon, Sir. You’ll be a part of it all before we know it but for now you’re stuck snuggled in my arms. Right where I want you.

How Ezra W. Gunter feels about avocado…

19. April 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "A Day In The Life", "Beautiful Boy" · Tags: Ezra, I'm new at this shit, Look what I can do!, please don't judge me, Unnecessary Admissions, Waaaaahhhhhh

After a crazy month of sequining, stoning, and {OMG} so much sewing, I sort of forgot that I was in charge of feeding my baby something other than milk. Oops. While pregnant I decided that as long as I was cloth diapering, exclusively breastfeeding and learning to work impossibly aggravating baby wraps, that I might as well just go ahead and sell my entire soul to the Evil Hippie Overlords and make my own baby food. I had book-marked a bunch of baby food sites but never really dug in because having a baby who was ready to eat solids felt an eon away at the time. Then one day I was eating yogurt and saw Ezra’s eyes follow each bite I took, then he started reaching for the spoon, open-mouthed and drooling and oh, silly baby- you can’t have real-people food! You have months…hmm…weeks…uh… Then I checked the calendar and realized the child was five and a half months old and MORE than ready to make his first foray into the smooshy stuff. I’m sorry your mom’s so dumb, baby.

I spent an afternoon perusing the saved baby food sites, wary that I would have to run out and purchase expensive food processors and/or baby food makers and all the accessories necessary but I ended up on a great site that explained that smooshy bananas? Are just smooshed up bananas, you idiot. Add some breastmilk to thin those suckers out and you’re good to go. Got an ice-cube tray? Put leftovers in there and pull out when needed. DONE. They suggested we start with bananas and avocados and from there we can get more adventurous. Obviously once he moves on to veggies and other fruits we’ll have to break out the steamer and I might have to learn to turn the oven on at some point {What?!} but they recommended we skip the expensive baby food makers and just go with a cheap mini food processor, making this whole thing seem a lot more doable. I mean, for real? I don’t even make my OWN food. That’s why I keep Bill around. I think I can do this though, so baby {food} steps, and all that.

For his first feeding I gave him rice cereal which he ate but sort of begrudgingly, like, “look, woman, I can see you have the camera out and I’m supposed to perform here so I will, but just so you know, this shit’s kinda gross”. Then I made the bananas and WOW. He ate them right up, guiding the spoon into his own mouth when I’d get distracted. After a few days he rejected rice cereal all-together, he didn’t get upset I was offering it, he just wouldn’t open his mouth for the spoon after the first bite, and if I did manage to trick him he’d just lazily let it dribble out of his mouth and down his chin. The next food item on the list was avocado so in preparation I had mashed up two, thinned them with breastmilk and filled almost a whole ice-cube tray. I was Baby Food Making Queen of Awesomeness. Avocado is a Super Food. And just a really super food, I mean come on, guacamole is god’s gift to us lowly humans, people.

So, here’s what Ezra thought {apologies for the crappy cell phone pictures, it just so happened to be laying next to me so I caught the moment with it, it’s not like I had a shiny, new-to-me Canon 7D lying around anywhere, ohshitwellANYWAY, here are my blurry pictures} …

OK, Lady! Bring on that smooshy banana!

Um, this is NOT banana.

WHAT IS THIS GREEN SHIT?

Fine. Maybe I judged prematurely. I'll try it again and maybe this time it will be bananas...

Fine. I could have judged prematurely. I’ll try it again and maybe this time it will be bananas…

Nope! Still not bananas! Still terrible!

What are you trying to do to me, Lady? Was I bad? Why would you put that on a spoon and try to put it anywhere near my mouth?!

I don’t understand! Get it away from me, JUSTGETITAWAY. I don’t even want to look at you right now.

ohmygod WHY IS THAT CRAP STILL HERE? DId you not here me? Was I not clear? Cause I can be super clear...

Ohmygod WHY IS THAT CRAP STILL HERE? Did you not hear me? Was I not clear? Cause I can be super clear…

Waaaaaahhhhhhhhvvvacccaaaddooossss are…

NOT ACCEPTABLE IN MY MOUTH.

So now I have a freezer full of avocado… if anyone wants to come over, bring the chips! I’ve made delicious guacamole and the secret ingredient will only completely gross you out a little.

Big Fat Five

28. March 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Beautiful Boy", "Happiness Is A Warm Gun · Tags: Ezra, Honk-Shooooo, My life is beautiful, mysterious maladies, nauseating cuteness

I’m really hoping I can get to a place where I will be able to use this space for more than just a monthly update on Adorable Baby but with costume –um– I mean dance season in full swing, I really don’t see that happening anytime soon. So without further ado, here is Ezra’s five month monthly blah-blah…

Firstly: Hands. The source of all enjoyment, the bane of our existence. While my sweet boy discovered his hands somewhere around the two month mark, he didn’t develop a full on obsession until this month. Last month he’d grab at toys and such when we’d wave them in front of him but the look on his face of complete and utter surprise when he’d realize something was attached to his fingers was pretty priceless, like “AHHH, MOM!!! Something’s on my hand getitoffWTF!!” Or “Hmm, this looks promisingly tasty, let me just try to shove it in my mouth, no! get out of my nose you stupid thing! not in my ear again aaaaand now I dropped it, why won’t you get in my mouth WHYGODWHY?!”

So he’s pretty adept now at grabbing what he wants and bringing it to his mouth to sample the various nuances in the taste of Plastic Crap. By six and a half months he’ll be an honest to god connoisseur of the subtle bouquets of LaMaze versus the bold tang of First Years. He also has developed a keen interest in chewing on human fingers which sounds mildly disturbing until you realize that he doesn’t have any teeth so it’s mostly gross in the baby slobber way which is decidedly better than the cannibalistic way. Still though. I really tried to discourage this habit since the kids love him so and do you know how many gross things a five and seven year old touch during the course of a day? I VERY SERIOUSLY have avoided thinking about this, because EW. I try to keep everyone’s hands as clean as possible but if you get your fingers anywhere near Ezra he is cheetah-fast and has an iron-clad grip and if he catches you? That shit is going directly in his mouth and you are POWERLESS against him.

Which leads me to another issue which I like to call the Baby Venus Fly Trap. Only he’s not catching flies, he’s catching humans so I guess I should call it the Baby Venus Human Trap but it just doesn’t have the same ring. ANYWAY. This little trick entails him laying on his back with a bare tummy. He lures his prey in with smiles, coos and probably some sort of wizard’s spell he picked up listening to Rowan read Harry Potter, or maybe something vaguely more satanic. The spell doesn’t even matter because that chubby baby tummy alone has done the trick and the unsuspecting victim moves in with the sole purpose of planting one thousand kisses and maybe blowing a few raspberries on that delicious baby skin and BAM! he has you in his evil baby clutches, his hands are clenched around fistfuls of your hair which impossibly but inevitably become twisted and tangled immediately in his fingers and you trytrytry to gently pull away but that just tightens his grip and further entangles you and now he is lifting his hands full of your hair to his gooey baby mouth and OHFORCHRISTSAKESGROSS, BABY. And it’s done. You have been trapped and eaten by a small human, and now you just have to wait for him to finish dining on your hair and to release his power grip on you. Afterward you vow, never! again! will I be so foolish as to fall for a small child’s tricker— oh my gosh, do you see that chubby baby tummy? Imma gonna kiss you, baby!! And so, on it goes…

The good news is that hands are quickly being replaced by the coolest new thing in baby anatomy: Toes. Holy shit, guys? Did you know about these things? They are like a built in baby-sitter, for real. He is completely taken with the things. Since cloth diapers are so bulky he can’t lift his legs up high enough to grab his feet so when I want to do things like shower, eat or spend uninterrupted time with Rowan or Keaton, all I have to do is throw that child in a disposable or an uncovered prefold, set him in his crib and VOILA! He is captivated by his own feet; capturing them, talking to them and desperately attempting to shove them in his mouth. So YAY toes! Functional and seemingly limitless entertainment value in the under 6 month set.

Sleep: Remember those two months where I had a baby who reliably sleep through the night? That was nice. And over. {And here is where I talk about those Stupid Hands again, which UGH, why do babies even HAVE hands? I do everything for him anyway, honestly! Sure, I know one day they might be useful for him to have, but for the time being they seem more like a luxury than a necessity so why can’t babies just grow them later, like teeth?} Ezra has been happy to be swaddled every night since his birth until Hands ruined everything. Once he realized their existence, he went from viewing the swaddle as a peaceful, snuggling, sleepy device to an unholy prison for his hands. So the tears come when we wrap him up at night which we totally ignore, for we are cruel and heartless people who value sleep, but he submits relatively quickly and drifts off with a few minutes of humming and rocking. The problem is when he wakes up at any point he begins the arduous process of trying to break out of the swaddle and you guys? Houdini would have trouble breaking out of Bill’s swaddles, those mofos are ridiculously snug, but squirmy baby wins every time. We tried leaving his hands out of the swaddle but to Ezra, Hands = PARTYTIME BITCHES! He immediately pulls his nuk out, sucks loudly on his fingers, whaps himself in the head a few times, talks to them, flails them around until he accidentally turns on his crib soother, scratches himself and then gets mad because he’s just realized it’s 1am, he’s tired and WHERE’S MY NUK THAT I PULLED OUT AND FLUNG ACROSS MY CRIB, HUH? So not an option. After a few weeks of waking up multiple times trying to bust free, he has mostly given in until about 45 minutes before we have to get up in the morning which, while not ideal, is a vast improvement.

The good news is that naps have improved greatly. Whether it’s due to the regression in night sleep or not is unclear but instead of 2-3 30-45minute naps a day, I am getting at least one solid 1.5- 2 hour nap out of him with an additional 1 hour or so in the afternoon and usually a 20-40 minute catnap in the evening. This has been super great as I feel like I can get stuff done when he’s down so I’m not constantly trying to pacify him while doing chores or having to do things one handed all day which can get everybody frustrated. It also allows me more one-on-one time with Keaton during the day, instead of constantly having to tell him “not now, buddy” so lots more quality time for all involved- keep it up, Baby!

A HUGE success this month is that we finally seemed to figure out the terrible, awful cradle cap. After being sentenced to hell {uh, I mean Ezra being diagnosed with a dairy allergy SAME DIFF}, his rash improved greatly… only we didn’t take into account that he was prescribed an antibiotic at the same time {because the rash had become infected}. Turns out dairy probably had very little to do with the rash on his cheeks which seems to have been a byproduct of the infected cradle cap, which came back nearly full force a few days after the antibiotics were done. On the FOURTH trip to the pediatrician, this is the secret, mystifying cure we were prescribed: Selsun Blue and .2% hydrocortizone. Yeah. Not really so secret. In fact 10 different google searches told me the same thing but I didn’t want to try anything without the doctor’s blessing and she was VERY certain it was dairy and why treat the symptom when I can figure out the source and fix it, you know? Alas, it was in vain as 24 hours after the first shampoo and application Ezra’s head was 90% healed and the reintroduction of dairy didn’t flare it up again. Now we use regular hydrocortizone sparingly and only need the shampoo 2 times a week to keep his head mostly rash-free. I’m just glad my Great Dairy-Free Ordeal is over and I can eat cheese and cream as baby jesus intended.

Things Ezra loves:

His big sister and brother. He smiles so huge for these two and his eyes follow them as they bounce around the room in the evening, studying their movement and smiling at them and wow it won’t be long until he’s chasing after them on all fours and then on all twos. To say his infancy is going fast would be a gross understatement.

TV. GAH! I don’t know what to do? Bill and I don’t watch any TV until all kids are down for the night and our weekday viewing is pretty light because of school and activities but we do let the kids watch some downloaded episodes and movies on the weekend and Ezra is completely rapt. I try blocking his view but he squirms until he can see just what Leonardo and the other turtles are up to this week. I’ve sort of given up so, you know, feel free to judge away.

Talking. We’re big into the YAYAYA’s and the DADADA’s. It’s where it’s at, Folks. {I am really encouraging the MAMAMA’s so I can quickly claim it as his first word/profession of undying love for me, but he’s not falling for it. YET.}

Being upright for play. He graduated from all floor play to the exersaucer which is nice because we can gather round him easier and sit him up next to us at mealtimes which makes him feel much more a part of our little family unit.

Other stuffs…

Like the older two, will roll side to side but adamantly refuses to roll onto his tummy. The Tummy is NOT where it’s at.

Loves to chew on lovey blankets and fingers and is drooling up a storm. We’ve now entered the Kiss This Baby At Your Own Risk stage as 80% of his face is covered with drool at any given time.

“Ooo, what’s this in my mouth? My nuk! I love my nuk! —Pulls nuk out with own hands— WHO TOOK MY NUK? —cries, mama replaces nuk— Oooo What’s this in my mouth? My nuk! I love my nuk! Pulls nuk out…

Ezra, you are filling our world up. From your shrieks and giggles to your snuggles and smiles, I can’t count the number of times in a week I pull you in close and just let the feeling of gratefulness wash over me. I am so thankful for you, Baby. And love you with all of my heart. Even your stupid hands.

Four Months, Baby!

28. February 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Beautiful Boy" · Tags: Ezra, Keaton, Monthly blah blahs, My life is beautiful, mysterious maladies, nauseating cuteness, Rowan

I really have no idea how the hell I woke up this morning with a four month old. I can still picture myself the morning Ezra was born, completely defeated by pregnancy, sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of our room staring dejectedly out the window. I was eight days overdue and trying to hold back tears because I hadn’t gone into labor the night before~ All that was missing from this picture was some emo-rock in the background and rain droplets slowly sliding down the window pane, it was {I was} utterly pathetic.

And now? Here we are. Big Fat Baby is four months old and that scene from last fall could not seem further away. This baby has brought so many giggles, so much love and happiness with him that I’ve all but forgotten what an unholy shitstorm it was to get him into this world.

Ezra definitely went through a growth spurt this month, here are his stats…

Weight: 14 lbs 15 oz {39% vs 13% at 2 mo}

Height: 25 inches {42% vs 11% at 2 mo}

Head: 16.5 {56% vs 36% at 2 mo}

The biggest hurdle we went through this month was figuring out the terrible rash that overtook Ezra’s whole head. As I’ve mentioned, just before 2 months he developed a pretty terrible case of cradle cap that did not go away with the recommended regimen of oils, creams and other assorted goo we slathered on his head. Then it spread to his ears and cheeks and started…oozing. It was terrible. The pediatrician assured us cradle cap can spread to ears and cheeks and to just keep doing what we were doing and it would eventually clear up. Only it didn’t clear up, it got way worse. The poor thing looked awful and he would scratch himself bloody if I wasn’t vigilant enough with his nails. After researching I realized that this was full blown eczema, which I had no experience with, with the older two. I bought an arsenal of eczema lotions in the hopes that I could eek through until Ezra’s four month appointment but when a gem of a human looked at him and announced loudly in front of a room full of people “Ugh, what’s wrong with your baby’s head?!” in a lovely judgmental tone, I felt terrible enough to ignore the peds advice, make an appointment and beg for help.

She looked at Ezra’s face for all of 2 seconds and said: “Dairy allergy.”

“Whaaaaa….”

“Dairy. He’s allergic. No more dairy for him. Is he on formula?”

“No, he’s only ever had breastmilk.”

“Then no dairy for you.”

“THERE IS NO GOD.”

So if you were on the fence about the whole Supreme Almighty Being thing, now you know! Because no loving and true god would take butter or aged cheddar or greek yogurt away from me but IT HAPPENED and now THEY’RE JUST GONE from my life. Upon diagnosis I wondered if I would find the will to get out of bed in the morning but that night I got an awful case of the stomach flu so it turns out I didn’t have to. Now I don’t normally recommend the stomach flu but I will say that it definitely made the cold turkey transition to no dairy much easier because all I could choke down for 4 days was pretzels and water.

Ezra also was prescribed an antibiotic because the rash had become infected due to his little scratchy fingers and between that and no dairy his cheeks completely healed. They went from angry, leathery red welts to clear and baby soft in three short days. The cradle cap, that persistent motherfucker, is still there but manageable. I felt awful it took so long to figure out the issue but at least there was a quick fix, even if it means I have to give up a staple of my diet, which seriously, 89% of the shit we eat has cream, butter or cheese in it so it’s been tricky but worth it. The doc said I could try to reintroduce dairy slowly at 6 months and see how he reacts and if it’s bad to try again at 9 months. Most babies grow out of it, so worst case scenario I have to deal with it until I’m done nursing which will presumably be sometime around his first birthday.

Other baby things!

He’s still sleeping through the night because good baby is good. He eats 5 times during the day, feedings are roughly 3-4 hours apart. He went from pooping a small amount at nearly every diaper change to having one majorly disgusting blowout every 3-4 days. My pediatrician assured me this was normal for breastfed babies but Internet there is nothing normal about being pooped on so spectacularly that you contemplate just curling yourself up in the garbage can because of the EW and SO MUCH GROSS and someone just throw me out and buy a new Christy because this one in RUINED.

We rotated in our old pocket cloth diapers this month. I still like and use our prefolds but the Bum Genius pocket diapers are way easier and faster when we have a squirmy, hungry baby on our hands or when we’re out and about so they’re nice to have. Plus, they’re easier to stuff with doublers and extra prefolds for overnight protection- waking up to a leaky baby is no fun so this has been a lifesaver. We probably won’t size up our prefolds, or maybe only buy a dozen or so when he outgrows what we have.

Developmentally Ezra’s on target with all the milestones, he:

Rolls from tummy to back pretty reliably

Swipes and grabs at toys {and my hair, OUCH, baby-grabby-hands}

Talks, talks, talks. To us, his playmat or whatever sibling or animal is curled up near him in a constant string of shrieks and babbles.

Tracks us with his eyes from across the room

Hears everything around him.

Not surprisingly, the last few months people have asked a lot about how Rowan is as a big sister, quickly followed by “I bet she is a little second mother!” Which, HA! Rowan is no mother. She’s a fabulous big sister, wanting to teach her brothers things and help them and play with them but this child is NOT a nurturer. This wasn’t a big surprise since she was never into baby dolls, instead she loved small figurines she could line up and boss around. She has absolutely no interest in assisting with Ezra’s bath or diaper changes, but she likes to be my helper by turning his playmat music on, picking him up and bringing him to me and pushing the stroller. And when the time comes when this baby can take direction? She will be there to boss him around with bells on.

Keaton on the other hand is definitely my nurturer, my second mother. When Ezra cries he gets there before me, armed with a nuk, a hug and a “Aw, what’s wrong little Ezzie-Baby, Keaton’s here, you’re okay”. Often I’ll find him under the playmat snuggling Ezra or waving a toy or singing a song. He hugs and kisses him 90 times during the day and loves helping with diaper changes. He is the sweetest, most affectionate big brother, which melts my heart into a puddle at least twice a day. I was prepared for a little animosity and a lot more indifference on Keaton’s part when the baby came but that has been the opposite of how he’s been. I’m so excited to see how the relationship between the boys will grow over the years.

Ezra, four months has gone by in a blink. The love you’ve added to our family is already so irreplaceable. Don’t get me wrong, baby’s are a huge amount of work. My time is never my time and just when I think I can brush my teeth/go to the bathroom/wash dishes etc. you pull me in a completely different direction that’s most likely filled with poop, drool, spit-up and an inevitable outfit change for both of us… but really, you are a total dream. You are that mythical unicorn baby I did not think existed. I sort of feel guilty when I talk about you because you really our the most perfect little man-baby. Aside from the fact that you really are a fairly easy going little guy, it’s also because you’re number three. I don’t worry about what’s coming next or if you’re hitting milestones early or what that baby over there can do comparatively. I can truly enjoy the moment, free of worry, and just get lost kissing your smooshy baby cheeks, which is just about the most important thing I do everyday. I love you, Big Fat Baby.

Ezra, Three Months

31. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Beautiful Boy", "Happiness Is A Warm Gun, "In My Life" · Tags: Behold The Awesome, Ezra, Look what I can do!, Monthly blah blahs, My life is beautiful, mysterious maladies, nauseating cuteness

I have sat down to write this post eleventy times since Ezra turned the big Oh-Three last Saturday but I really feel like this is the one, Internet. This is the time I’m going to focus, write, edit and hit publish.

{Um. That wasn’t it. BUT THIS IS.}

{Or not.}

{Okay, for reals this time…}

My baby? My awesome baby? Continues to be awesome. Except for the small matter of naps which is why it is so hard for me to sit down and write for an extended period. Gone {ALREADY WTF?} are the days of Ezra falling asleep while nursing so I can hunt and peck with one hand to cobble out a post. Now he eats a full meal very efficiently in about 15-20 minutes, barely giving me a chance to get through my e-mail. He’ll go down for three, sometimes four 30-45 minute naps per day which just isn’t enough time to focus so I can write a coherent, well, anything.

I don’t really like to complain about his sleep in general because the boy is still doing fairly awesome at night. Between 5am-7am we have to get up and nuk him a handful of times but he rarely gets so agitated that he needs to be rocked or fed anymore. And he’s happy when he’s up for the most part. Lots of smiles, content to be held and kissed and snuggled or happy to stretch out and kick on his playmat or in his crib. So yes, the nap thing blows, especially because I usually am holding him for the last 20 minutes he’s up and do you know how many random things I see that need to be done with two hands in those 20 minutes? SO MANY THINGS. So once he’s down I’ve catalogued a huge list of to-dos in my head that I set to right away but by the time I’m done I’ve eaten up most of his short nap so that when I settle down to the keyboard he already starts making noise and the cycle starts again. Okay maybe this does sound like complaining but no, really it’s just really how things are at this moment in his development but if babies have taught me anything it’s that by the time you get used to one pattern they up and decide to change things by way of growth spurt, new milestone or I don’t know, just to fuck with their parents, so all said, things are pretty great.

So to sum up the awesome:

* Smiley. So big and happy. Except {as demonstrated by these photos} for when I bring the camera out. Like most babies this age, Ezra loves faces, so I will grin at him, and he will grin right back and the second I lift the camera up he goes all “WHAT THE SHIT? Why you blocking my smiley face, woman?” giving an expression of disapproval or one of perpetual surprise. So you’ll just have to take my word for it on the smile thing, case in point…

* Fairly easy to please. Meaning, when he’s upset or fussy, there’s usually a reason and a quick fix. Evenings tend to be a little more fussy for him because the lack of quality sleep throughout the day is catching up with him which leads us to the game of should we/shouldn’t we when it comes to an evening nap. Mostly we get through it because he loves hanging out with his daddy. I don’t know if it’s that he can smell his dinner so close by when I hold him or that he already has me pegged for the giant sucker that I am, but he is definitely more content with Bill from about 5-7:30pm every night.

* Having a daddy’s boy is new territory that Bill is eating up. I worked when Rowan was an infant and when we were home I did not share that baby so Bill didn’t get a whole lot of one-on-one time with her. And Keaton? Well, he sort of hated Bill until he was almost 2. And that was hard for all of us. So it’s a nice, very welcome change and it makes me so happy to see Ezra and his daddy just hanging. {Except for when Bill is throwing my tiny precious sack of hard-earned baby upupup into the air to play and I don’t care if that baby is smiling ear-to-ear, babies are dumb and don’t know DANGER DANGER!!!}

*Gurgles and coos. Breaking the legal limit for cuteness daily. The conversations I have with this child may have no literal meaning but they are the most fulfilling interactions I have each day. Who knew that “cccccccuuurrrrrrrgggggguuuuugggglllllee” back and forth for 10 minutes could make one so insanely proud and happy?

*As mentioned above, eating is going well. He is pretty consistent in needing 5 feedings, spaced roughly 3 hours apart during the day and none at night. The resulting spit-up is still not great, sometimes I feel like he throws up his whole meal within a half-hour of eating it and sometimes he barely spits up anything. He has not had many bottles of pumped milk this month, only 2 or 3. I had so much stock-piled milk at this point with both Rowan and Keaton but things regulated relatively quickly this time so I just don’t have the supply for extra pumping. When he does have a bottle, he eats about 7 oz {BIG FAT BABY} and still has had no issue with taking a bottle other than it’s not big or fast enough for his liking. The days {and nights} of grunting are long over which brings us too…

* POOP {What? You can’t write about a baby and not mention their wee little precious shits.} Ezra went from straining to get out one extremely hard-won poop a day, to pooping at literally every single feeding this month. We were so happy and relieved when he started going more because we were so sick of a constantly grunting baby but when he starting pooping 7 times a day we were sort of over it, like, seriously baby? We see that you can do it, now you’re just showing off. We are still solely cloth diapering with prefolds and covers, breaking out the disposables only for babysitters or during laundry emergencies {“emergencies” translating to “oh shit, did you run the diapers on hot again because I totally forgot”}. After outgrowing the newborn prefolds we only bought 2 dozen of the next size up, meaning we’ve had to do laundry every other day which BLERRRG NO THANK YOU. I’m getting excited to break out Keaton’s old pocket diapers, they’re definitely easier to deal with and we have a TON of them.

And now for the not-so-awesome:

*Cradle cap. OH MY GOD. It’s icky and awful and scaley and it will not go away. Granted I haven’t really taken any aggressive action against it because Dr. Google tells me one thing really works and then half of the internet shows up commenting that “no! that way sucks do it this way!” and then the other half says “no! THAT is terrible, do it like this” and then I get paralyzed with the fear that I’ll screw up his skin and give him baby leprosy or some shit so I’ve stuck to the pediatricians original advise which is to wash his hair daily, brush the affected area several times a day with a soft baby brush and apply neosporin and vaseline when and where I can. It has tamed a bit, but the angry red patches left after the scales come off give me the sads. It just looks painful, but Ezra seems happy enough so eh, I know he’ll outgrow it.

*Naps aside, the main frustration we have is schedules, not the baby’s but everyone else’s; we’re slowly inching closer to having a regular schedule if life would stop getting in the way. Ezra’s natural rhythm would be to sleep from 8:30pm to between 5 and 6am, eat then go back to bed until 9-9:30am. This is a PHENOMENAL schedule! The majority of parents would KILL for it… unfortunately, it just doesn’t jive with our morning routine that great because on Mon and Tues I have to get Rowan out to the bus stop right when he’d be waking up and this baby? Wakes up hungry. MAD hungry. When he wakes up with an empty tummy is actually the only time he full on cries. For now this is what’s working:

5-7am: We’re doing the aforementioned nukking when he starts waking up. This pacifies him until…

7am: Wake-up, change, feed.

7:30am: Playtime

8:15: Starts to get tired. I carry him around until…

A) 9:10 after Rowan gets on the bus {Mon and Tues} or

B) 8:35 when we have to take Keaton to preschool. {W,Th,F}

10-10:20: wake-up and eat.

10:30-10:45: Playtime

And here is where things get tricky due to different daily schedules for preschool, school, dance and shitty naps. Typically every night he’s ready for a last meal and lights out between 7:30 and 8:30pm. We’re constantly tweaking things but it’s hard when the reality is that life with three kids has too many variables to have any sort of set-in-stone schedule. It just sort of sucks because on the days we can keep him to a schedule he seems a hellava lot happier and so do I.

Ezra, this month you showed us so many awesome new things. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long since we’ve had a baby but when you do something new it seriously feels like you are the first baby ever in the history of babies to be so amazing, even though I myself have produced two similarly amazing genius babies. When you gurgle out a new octave of cooing I get lost in the cadence of your sweet voice. And my favorite is when you wave your chubby hands around, grasping at air and then surprise! you’ve grabbed onto my necklace, the confused but delighted look on your face is priceless, like you’ve been out fishing but never really expected to catch anything. You are so communicative {read: LOUD} just like your brother and sister, who I’m pleased to report still love you very much, even when mama says “I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m with the baby” for the one-thousandth time. None of us can get enough of you.

In the morning when I nurse you it is still dark outside. We sit in the rocking chair and I pull up the shade and peek through the side of the curtain to watch the neighborhood go from black to deep blue to pink to light. Your dad is in the shower and your rowdy siblings have yet to wake and fill the house up with their giggles. I watch as you eat, you lift your hand up and rub your own head in a soothing circular motion, a mannerism all your own, or maybe, possibly, inherited from your dad. In the quiet it is just you and it is just me and the peace I feel both humbles me and swells me with pride. It is our time and I love it almost as much as I love you.

Internet, I would like you to meet…

23. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Beautiful Boy", "Getting Better", "Golden Slumbers" · Tags: Behold The Awesome, Ezra, Look what I can do!

The bestest, most smartest, handsomest, funniest, all-around-great-guy Baby named Ezra.

It’s true. I’m pretty amazing. Also: MY EYELASHES. They will take over the world one day.

What did my genius of a baby do to deserve the highest honor of Best Baby, Like, Ever? He slept through the night two nights in a row, people. And not some lame ass sleep like midnight to 5:30 because you assholes out there claiming that is sleeping through the night are NOT FOOLING ANYONE with that shit HoooooooNoooooo. My advanced super-smart-genius-baby slept from 8:30 PM-at-night-o’clock to 7 AM-in-the-morning-o’clock.

Whoooaaaaa…

We’ve been rocking a pretty good night routine all month. At the end of December Ezra was going down around 9pm, and eating at around midnight and 4am, with a wake-up time around 7:30ish. Then by the end of the first week in January he started sleeping through the midnight feeding so we just went with it and he was getting up anywhere between 3:30 and 4:30 to eat, once in a while he’d make it to 5 but that just messed up our morning routine because the 8 o’clock hour is go-time for the other two so I really had to try to get him up at four or wait until seven otherwise the mornings would be a nightmare. We figured we were in for at least another 2-3 months of night feedings and we still might be, but considering I haven’t slept soundly through the night since before I got pregnant? Two nights of uninterrupted sleep is HUGE and I will take it, thankyouverymuch.

That IS amazeballs. I AM AMAZEBALLS!

Even if it is short-lived, he timed this perfect as I was smote with an icky cold that knocked me down for a few days, so good baby is good. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to start researching Ivy league schools for my clearly advanced infant, or, I don’t know, college is sort of expensive and not really necessary when you’re already the smartest so maybe I’ll just go ahead and have him apply for that Rocket Science internship I’ve had my eye on.

If I could be a character in any book, it would definitely be this one…

11. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Getting Better", "Girl" · Tags: Behold The Awesome, First Grade, I am Seven!, Rowan, What just happened?

So, yeah. Things look a little different around here. Yesterday I got a bee in my bonnet, deciding I needed to change the header to include Ezra. The thing is, because there is always a thing, Bill designed and built my blog back in 2010 having very little knowledge about blog coding and while he did a fabulous job, it was time-consuming and a giant pain in the ass. At the time it was worth it because I was blogging very regularly and had hopes in the future of putting work into promoting it and making it a bigger, maybe even income-generating thing.

After a little time and soul-searching, I decided that what I really wanted for the foreseeable future was a home to keep our family’s memories, nothing more. Not that you can tell from the posts I put up here but I’m actually somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing so when I thought about being read on a wider scale I knew I would drive myself crazy during the editing process, because time? We just don’t have it at this point in our lives. Life morphs, evolves, in the nearly seven and a half years of being a parent, the shape of our family along with its dynamic has changed so many times. One day I might get to a place where I want to do more with this space but for now I scramble to document the big events and much of the minutiae of every day life is lost to these pages now.

At the point we’re at now, I just wanted to strip down what I had by choosing a basic wordpress theme, throw up a picture of the kids as the header and call it a day. Only neither of us could figure out how to add a picture to the header which seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world and it probably is but when you have two sleep-deprived parents of three small children, well, basically we’re idiots. So after playing around with themes and trying to get the fuuuuuureaking header image up, we broke the Internet and my blog {temporarily, obvs.} then gave up and went to bed because our brain cells were starting to jump ship out our earholes. Being a lazy asshole, I’m just leaving it bare-bones for now, but if we can’t figure out how to fix it, I’ll probably end up putting the old site back up until we figure it out, so bear with me as my super kaduper life is going to be a bit bi-polar for a while. UPDATED: Bill figured out the header! Yay Bill! {I’d say I’m sorry for publicly shaming you, but you know, shame gets shit DONE.}

Now! To distract you from these boring surroundings, I will share with you my very favorite Christmas gift. Rowan was very secretive about the gift she had made in school but she was super excited, downright giddy, to give it to us. The little stinker even sneaked out in the wee hours of Christmas morning and put it under the tree for us, right next to her own presents which I’m sure she thoroughly {illegally!} inspected. Truth is I sort of cheated because the evening after the last day of school I was going through her bag and in it was a rough draft of her present. I didn’t realize what it was at first, it was just a little stapled book, but I’m so glad I was able to read it first out of her presence because tears were just streaming down my face I was laughing so hard which probably would have insulted her had she witnessed it. Thankfully, I was much more composed on Christmas morning.

Here is her book. The harrowing story of her mother. A mother who, against all odds, takes naps, goes shopping and drinks…

I can’t decide if my favorite part is when I ditch everyone to take a nap or when I take my small child out on a shopping trip where I start drinking. A few people who read it tried to make me feel better by saying maybe I was just being mean and not letting her get a drink, that it didn’t necessarily mean it was alcoholic. So I asked Rowan why I wouldn’t let her have a drink in her story and she replied, “I can’t have those kinds of drinks mommy. They have booze in them.” You guys, I don’t even know what her teacher must think but for now I don’t care because despite the storyline, this was by far the best present I have ever received.

Also, just so we’re all up to speed, on the flip side was Bill’s story, in which he gave hugs, cooked her dinner and went to work like a responsible parent.

Now, Internet, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go make a martini, do some shopping and take a nap.

Christmas re-cap 2012

09. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "In My Life" · Tags: Bill, Ezra, Keaton, nauseating cuteness, Rowan, The Freakin Holidays

Our Christmas and winter break was absolutely lovely this year, the first in I don’t know how long where one or more of us wasn’t balled up on the couch with some nasty goo taking over the household. And I know I just said it out loud, ruining everything and ensuring the blight of some plague or another in approximately 1.3 days, but as long as we made it through the holidays and ALL of the MANY holiday things, I think I can handle it.

This year I was nervous about getting through so much with the baby but it actually worked out well. We skipped a few events we normally try to make, opting instead for peace and jammie time and even though it felt like cheating I’m so glad we did. The absolute best moments of break were when I realized it was 3 in the afternoon and my kids were happily sprawled out with their new toys, with unbrushed hair and sporting the pajamas they hadn’t been out of for 2 days. Our life is crazy. No really. The insane amount of time spend at school and the dance studio and in the car to get back and forth is mind-numbing. There is not one day a week where we’re not running like idiots so to be able to just do absolutely nothing felt like a gift.

Here is a picture re-cap because, you know, words are HARD sometimes:

I sifted through the advent calender activities, knowing that there was no way we'd be able to do them all. Obviously the cookies were non-negotiable.

I sifted through the advent calendar activities, knowing that there was no way we’d be able to do them all this year. Obviously the cookies were non-negotiable and it went very smooth~ these two have got sprinkles down to a very messy science.

We also couln't skip waiting 45 minutes in line to spend 30 seconds with Santa.

We also couldn’t skip waiting 45 minutes in line to spend 30 seconds with Santa.

I was pretty relived when we couln't find our elf when we took out the decoations, but lo, a week later we found him and so commenced the "oh shit" panic at 3 am when we realized we hadn't moved him.Their favorite day was when they caught Fred eating popcorn and watching Rudolph before school.

I was pretty relieved when we couldn’t find our elf when we took out the decorations, but lo, a week later we found him and so commenced the daily “oh shit” panic at 3 am when we realized we hadn’t moved him. Their favorite day by far was when they caught Fred eating popcorn and watching Rudolph before school.

Our little Angel and Shepard participating in our new church’s pageant. It was fairly adorable.

On Christmas Eve morning we headed over to Bill’s parents house where Ezra was not in a photo-coopertive mood. It was here we learned the hard way…

That getting a photo of a family of five is a wee bit challenging. So awesome.

That getting a photo of a family of five is a wee bit challenging. Ahh, memories.

But it was finally accomplished after threats, bribes, 53 takes and some creative editing.

After church we opted to come home, get in our Christmas jams, open a few presents…

And enjoy some fun snacks while watching The Grinch. It was such a relaxing night of just enjoying our little family~

It was by far my favorite part of this holiday season.

Gratuitous Bow Baby.

Christmas morning was a also relaxed. The kids surprisingly slept in pretty late, then spent the morning playing with their spoils. You have no idea how many times in the weeks proceeding I wanted to break Ezra's playmat out for him, but it made it for Santa's delivery Christmas morning. You can see the baby is super excited by all his brightly covered crap.

Christmas morning was also relaxed. The kids surprisingly slept in pretty late, then spent the morning playing with their spoils. You have no idea how many times in the weeks preceding I wanted to break Ezra’s playmat out for him, but it made it for Santa’s delivery Christmas morning. You can see the baby is super excited by all his brightly covered crap.

Christmas day was spent at my mom’s, opening presents, eating delicious food and treats, singing, dancing, drinking and playing with cousins. It was so much fun.

Even the babies got in on the action.

I’m sure we’ll be in for it next year when we have to navigate the holidays with a toddler but this year was almost criminally easy for having a small baby. This was mainly because we were smart enough to scale way back and just try to enjoy the new shape of our family. It was pretty great.

And now? We are enjoying a few weeks of quiet routine before kicking off the busy season in dance. Soon enough I will be covered head to toe in glue and sequins, thank sweet baby jesus I will be able to drink my way through much of the costume assembly this year. Unfortunately I won’t be able to drink when I am stuck backstage with many small, rambunctious boys as I somehow found my dumb ass volunteering to work backstage at comps and recitals for Keaton’s group. In my defense, I thought it would just be Keaton and the other little boy on the baby comp line but after talking with the other boys’ moms, it turns out it’s an all-hands-on-deck type of thing and there will be over 20 boy children in one small space whygodwhyamIsoepicallystupid. The good news is that dads can help too so I fully intend to throw Bill under the bus when the time comes.

So until that craziness ensues I am enjoying the hell out of my adorable little baby spawn, who is the sweetest, smiliest little thing ever. Also: Loves to sleep. HE IS MY FAVORITE AND MY BEST.

Ezra and puppy. Sacked. Out.

Fancy New Year

04. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: "Happiness Is A Warm Gun · Tags: Behold The Awesome, Bill, DCFI, family fodder, I am stupid, I take stupid pictures, Look what I can do!, please don't judge me, The Freakin Holidays, Unnecessary Admissions, What just happened?

Hello, Internet! Happy 2013! I have a holiday re-cap in the works but I know how much you like to see embarrassing pictures of my family so I just could NOT put you through the agony of waiting any longer. So!…

We were back at the Mallinger’s for their annual New Year’s Gala {this year it was a gala because three of us were in a dress, shut up, it works}. Bill and I really didn’t know how the night would go with the baby, and it was definitely a little different from our usual care-free night of debauchery, but it really went surprisingly well thanks to a very cooperative Ezra. After almost a year of a stone sober wife, it was Bill’s turn to stay sober {normally we spend the night but we weren’t THAT adventurous with a two month old} so I packed a ton of expressed milk for later, breastfed the baby at 9 o’clock, pumped and was ready to join in the fun {read: drinking} by 10pm. I had a few drinks and champagne at midnight and around 1am, knowing Ezra would be due to wake up soon, Bill asked me where the bottle was. Uh. Yeah. So I had packed approximately one thousandy ounces of breastmilk but nothing to actually get that milk into the baby. SHIT. {And this is why exhausted parents of very small babies cannot be trusted}. Thankfully Ezra slept peacefully through the transfer to his car seat and the ride home, so it was really a non-issue in the end, but ugh. Christy – sleep + packing = DUMBASS.

Anyway! Sometimes we do a theme for these nights, sometimes we don’t. This year Bill’s brother bought Ezra a tiny tuxedo onesie for Christmas so when my sister asked if we wanted to do a theme I told her Ezra would be dressing up for the occasion so maybe we should too. Everyone was on board! We thought it would be fun to hit up Goodwill/Savers for terrible promwear and Jen and Jay came across some great finds but Bill was looking for a bow-tie get-up which we had no luck with. I really didn’t want to go out and spend money on a dress, even a goodwill one, so I was planning to just wear my bridesmaid’s dress from Snoreface’s wedding but then I had an even better idea! What if I didn’t have to wear a dress at all! All I had to do was talk Bill into a dress… It was a super tough sell that went something like this:

Me: I know! YOU should wear the dress.

Bill: DONE.

And so commenced Fancy New Year’s!

The Fancy baby that started it all. So handsome.

And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen, my husband in a very pink dress.

And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen, my husband in my very pink dress. It definitely helped that I was 7 months pregnant when I wore it but we still had to buy a similarly very pink shirt to bridge the gap in the back so it would fit him. And it did. Like a very manly pink glove. {I’ll have you know that the headband/bow combo was his idea.} {The eyeshadow and blush were decidedly all me though.}

Jen's dress looked fabulous and set her back a whole 8 bucks. I'd tell you all about the terrible green jacket complete with FAKE BROWN SILK OMGGROSS shirt but I still can't get past that awful facial hair he's been sporting since Movember. So wrong.

Jen’s dress looked fabulous and set her back a whole 8 bucks. I’d tell you all about the DCFI’s terrible green jacket complete with BROWN FAKE SILK-I-touched-it-and-died-a-little-bit-inside shirt but I still can’t get past that awful facial hair he’s been sporting since Movember. So wrong.

We jumped right in to Just Dance 4. My neice Ellie decided her dad and uncles needed to preform One Direction together,

We jumped right in to Just Dance 4. My niece Ellie decided her dad and uncles needed to perform a One Direction song together…

So they did, and it was magical.

Snoreface with the night’s youngest revelers.

Jorie wore her mom's Junior prom dress. That is straight up, unadulterated 1989 right there, people.

Jorie wore her mom’s Junior prom dress. You are staring at straight-up, unadulterated 1989 right there, people.

The boys were very serious about their Final Countdown performance. Bill soon realized that strapless dresses and vigorous booty-shakin’ just don’t mix {so much man-nip-slip} but he kept the headband on like a good sport.

Even grandma got in on the fun!

If you don’t know what dance this is, I’m sorry, you’re not allowed in 2013 because you clearly failed 2012.

Jen and the Deps rounded out the night with a so-bad-it’s-really-just-awesome dance to “I’ve had the time of my life”. Yes, the lift at the end was attempted and no, no one was thrown directly into the fireplace {although it may have been a close call and the headline would have been epic : Deputy Chief Fire Idiot Throws Fancy Wife into Fire in Romantic Dance Gone Horribly Awry}.

Needless to say we had too much fun for our own good, as it should be on this night. Happy 2013, Internet.